Quiz: Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Last week I created a Twilight quiz.

I'm working for Frontier College this summer, running literacy day camps for kids. In one of our camps we made a magazine with the kids, and somehow it ended up being mostly about Twilight, Harry Potter, and Justin Bieber. So to do my part, I contributed a quiz designed to help confused Twilight fans decide whether they belong to Team Jacob or Team Edward. 

I have to admit that the only research I've done is watching the first movie when it came out, and that was only because I thought it was about awesome vampires, not teen vampires in love. But so far the success of this quiz has been outstanding! So try it and find out for yourself... this been taken right out of our magazine. All I did was remove the brilliantly coloured paper and beautiful variety of magic markers.

Team Edward VS Team Jacob

VS.

Pick your answer and add up the number of points for it. Look out, there's negative numbers too. 

#1- What’s your favourite ice cream flavour?

a) Vanilla                                                                 … 10 points

b) Double Fudge Rocky Road                                … 5 points

c) I’m not sure                                                         … 0 points

d) fat-free yogurt for me!                                         … - 5 points

#2- What’s your ideal date?

a) Staring deep into each other’s eyes                      … 8

b) Playing one-on-one basketball                             … 4

c) Guitar Lessons                                                     … 1

d) a long walk on a sunny beach                              … - 6

#3- What’s the best kind of dog?

a) Mexican Hairless                                                  … 6

b) Poodle                                                                  … 2

c) Dog? I’m more of a cat person                            … - 8

d) a shaggy mutt                                                       … 9

#4- You just finished writing your first romance novel. What will you call it?

a) Endless Torment                                                 … 13

b) Torn Between Two Worlds                                  … 0

c) Creatures From Outer Space                               … -12

d) The Windswept Stranger                                     … 5

#5- What’s your first choice of jewelry?

a) a dazzling diamond                                              … 8

b) thick gold chains                                                  … 4

c) any kind of spinning necklace like John Cena      … - 8

d) a piece of knotted string                                       … - 4

#6- What’s the best part of the night sky?

a) The dark, bleak clouds                                          … 1

b) The full moon                                                       … 5

c) The twinkling stars                                                … 14

d) I don’t like it when the sun is away!                      … - 6

#7- The time is right and the moon is full. Ooo yeah. What’s your go-to move?

a) Play with my hair nervously                                  … 2

b) Howl and get crazy                                               … 6

c) slink silently into the night                                     … 11

d) play video games                                                  … - 9

Add up your grand total to find your grand result!

TOTALS

40 points or more= Edward.

Shhh… don’t speak. You choose the brooding vampire that can never fully love you back. Sorry, no refunds.

20-40 points= Jacob.

Looks great topless but he secretly wants to eat you alive whenever there’s a full moon. Hey, every relationship has its problems.

0-19 points= Bella.

Aww… it’s so hard to choose- and you can’t! Just keep playing with your hair and both their hearts. Worst case scenario is you’re caught in the middle of a vampire-werewolf war…

Less than 0 points= Fake.

You call yourself a Twilight fan? I don’t think you’re really right for the part. Better luck next time. 

So... what'd you get?

Pierce, Palardy… Parker?

Tonight I was up in the press box.

You need a press pass for that- I'm excited about mine!

A couple of weeks ago The Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ preseason started, and with it my season as the writer for bluebombers.com began as well. With tonight being the first home game, it was my first chance to get up in the press box and try to fit in with all the real journalists. And I didn’t know who any of them were! (Apart from a few CreComm grads- those guys are everywhere.)

So if you aren’t keeping up with the Bombers by reading articles both previewing and recapping each game, first of all I’m surprised and disappointed in you. Second, you should start. You may have noticed that I’ve been blogging less and less these days, and reading these articles may be the perfect antidote to your throes of withdrawal. Who knows, if you read them very carefully, maybe I’ll spell out your name with the first letter of each line or something. Hmm?

You can check out my article documenting the ups and downs of tonight’s game here, and there’s links to my other articles very close by. The Bombers have given me a little “Written by Andrew Parker” list so just get in there and explore! 

Here's another example.

Dabbling in Art...

Today I tried out being an artist.

First off let me say that I’m very worried about blogging now. Since I stopped when the semester ended, taking a little summer break, my blog’s hits have been better than ever. Ooo maybe it was because my blog was nominated for a Creative Communications Media Award, but doubtful. Either way it seems the best thing I could do for my blog was to stop writing. But just in case anyone is bored for something to read and a tranquil picture to look at, here you go. It’s not like I have a job or anything, it’s the least I can do.

Under the direction of my art teacher Chui Choy, I tried out painting for the first time. Art is hard! There's a lot of things and words that I've heard of before but it's really difficult to actually put them into practice unless of course you've got some kind of natural talent. Sadly, I don't think it's in me. Brushstrokes, blending, those kind of things, I was pretty scared the whole time.

But I steadied my brush hand almost long enough to turn out this little bit of landscape action. Future artist? Doubtful. Future decorator for motel rooms that cost less than $50 a night? I have a shot! Couldn’t you picture looking up at this picture while questioning the cleanliness of your bedspread?

This room is so cheap it doesn't even come with a bedspread. 

So keep in mind that this was a first try. But realistically the starting price is $40. And that’s mostly to cover supplies. 

I think it's a tiny bit better in person.

Suit up!

This week I went suit shopping all alone.

I’m one of those boys that actually likes shopping. I’ll spend hours in the mall. When I go on a trip, I ask about the shopping possibilities at the destination. But even with all this, I love that deep down, every boy has the ability to do any amount of shopping in the least time possible.

 With this in mind, I went suit shopping 4 days before end-of-the-year-school-functions kicked off. I went on Sunday, half an hour before the mall closed, and it turns out that’s the ideal time to shop. The salesperson was able to give me all kinds of attention, and together we worked out a banging outfit that makes me look fancy, which is a rare look for me. It’s like Halley’s Comet really: it only comes around everyone once in awhile, and you don’t want to get caught looking at it but you just can’t resist.

I desperately needed some new threads since my grad suit fits like pajamas for some reason (the guys at old-school Jack Fraser don’t know that baggy suits haven’t been cool since before they had dentures). Observe:

'99? That's being generous.

Taking on The Arminator

This week I saw The Moonlight Sonata of Beethoven Blatz.

Awarding winning novelist Armin Wiebe tries his hand at playwriting with a project that he says wasn’t enough to make a novel out of: a strange blend of zany Russian antics, Mennonite accents, and secret lesbian vibes. To me, those elements have trouble coming together.

Wiebe obviously tried to create something unique, but the play made the characters carry most of that load in the absence of great storytelling. In the large gaps that resulted between plot points, I sat quietly waiting and watched a shell-shocked Russian play a broken piano, and a Mennonite girl yell in poor English about how she wants a baby. It seems that they were hoping the audience would find the German jokes funny enough to maintain interest, but I was tired of backwards phrasing and unknown German words shortly into the first act. Perhaps because no one has ever “learned” me no German words outside of playing Wolfenstein? Mien leben!

Many of these story gaps featured the Mennonite couple, Obrum and and Susch Kehler, agonizing over whether or not the ever-befuddled Blatz should remain a guest in their quaint prairie home, but the worst part is that the audience is forced to feel their agony as well. Will he stay, won’t he, just make a decision about it already! Instead, this entire issue goes nowhere; even at the end of the play Blatz is still hammering away on the keys, and people still can’t make up their mind about whether they want him or not. In between discussions on this topic, Susch confides in her sexually confused friend Teen, instead of addressing the problems head on. It’s like high school secrets in a one-roomed schoolhouse.

Wiebe said in a classroom question period later that the play started from a true anecdote that happened to his grandfather, and the rest is his own fiction. I’ll admit, that true story was pretty good, and definitely my favourite part of the play. After Obrum accidently uses poison ivy to do some forest paperwork, he’s left with a rash in an already sensitive area that makes wearing pants an impossible ordeal. Onstage, it resulted in some laughs with Obrum’s well-acted humiliation and some artfully done close calls on full frontal nudity. I smiled. Plus it reminded me of this:

Apart from saying this, Wiebe seemed very unimpressed with speaking to audiences, especially in a talkback session immediately after the play. Some of the questions were barely answered, like not giving any background information on his decision to have an emerging homosexual woman as barely a side note to the play’s plot, and offering no response to the question of his inspiration behind “all the sex” in the play.

Having had these types of sessions with creative writers all throughout the past school year, I wouldn’t be surprised by more hushed answers and dull feedback. But as we learned from our session, Wiebe was once an instructor at Red River College! Shouldn’t he be more comfortable expressing himself to a class of students, especially on matters concerning his own work and processes? I’m sure students would have found it hard to learn under an instructor who can’t explain why he makes decisions in his writing.

Overall, I’d give this play 2 out of 5. Although annoying, the accents seemed very accurate, and the actors, set, and lighting worked well. But as for the plot, it barely moves.

Here’s an excerpt from Wiebe’s message in the production’s program:

“The characters wrestle with doubts and fears as they act or resist their impulses: Can a man reach to heaven if he never looks to the sky? Can a woman only bake with what a man has to give? Can a woman hunger so much that she will reach where she should not reach? … “


The characters definitely ask all of these questions, but don’t watch this play if you’re expecting any answers.

Windowless Playlist

Today I get all summer musical on you.

The weather is getting nicer every day, which means that more and more people are starting to cruise with their windows down. It’s finally time to get fresh air without frostbite, so us poor kids that can’t afford air conditioning are rolling down all over the place.

If you’re like me, and are against noise pollution in the form of crappy music, here’s a list of 5 songs perfect for windowless cruising. This will make the people in the cars beside you go “Say WHAT!?” or “Ah, Yeah!” instead of saying “Oh you turned your backseat into a massage chair with some subwoofers, that’s impressive. Why do I have to listen to your beat drop?” REMIX!

I admit- there’s a few songs on my iPod that I need to be in the right mood for, and when my windows are down and one of them comes on suddenly I leap for the volume knob and look around to make sure no one heard (Yes, I’m talking to you Tatu’s “All the Things She Said”). But when it comes to these songs, I’m always down to listen and I hope the people in the car next to me are lucky to hear ‘em too.

1. I’m an Obtuse Man, So I’ll Try to be Oblique- The JV Allstars

For me, nothing says summer like pop-punk. It brings back memories of old All-American Rejects, when you just got your license or a ride with that older kid who just got his license. Best part is, no one has ever heard this song before, so they’ll all be pulling you over to hear more of this delectable rhythm. Instead of wanting to fight you, which I hear is usually why people are pulling you guys over.

2. Uh- Fujiya & Miyagi

“Chill out with this smooth groove while you bop your head down the turnpike” is what I would say if I worked at a jazz radio station. I don’t, so I’ll just say that this song rules, whether you’re driving in Winnipeg or cooking crystal meth in Breaking Bad.

3. Veronica Sawyer Smokes- AFI

There’s a ton of AFI I would’ve like to put on here, but I’ll just stick to one and trust you’ll check out the rest on your own time. Summer is a time for light music- it just goes well with the sunshine. This little number is lighter and faster than most AFI tunes, which makes for an easy entrance to their world if you’ve never spent time there before.

4. Do You Love Me?- The Explorers Club

Summer time was invented by The Beach Boys, but I’m assuming you’ve already heard all their songs. So it’s time for a modern take on sunny triple harmonies, and no one is doing it these days as well as the Explorers. I’ll warn you though- you better be feeling VERY summer-y to play this one loud.

5. How Bizarre- OMC

Nothing wrong with a one hit wonder from the ‘90’s. You may think this one takes a little more confidence to blast, and maybe it does, but trust me: when you roll up to the Dairy Queen playing this classic, you won’t be seeing any frowns.

I retract my previous statement.

After much deliberation and careful thought, I’ve decided against changing my blog. In fact, I’ve determined that the whole maybe-genuine-love-theme might be the worst blog I’ve every heard of. That post earned me my first two ‘boring’ ratings, so it’s obviously time to move on. This whole experience has even caused me to end my fledgling relationship with the possibly real Florida girl, so I’m back to being alone like everyone wanted.

I'm SO sad right now. Emotions are SO painful.

This blog is all about you! If readers want me to be lonely and not in online relationships of questionable legitimacy, then so be it. I guess it makes for better reading? You’re welcome.

This is me being lonely on a beach.