What is Ti Jian?

Today I reveal Ti Jian to the world.

Lately I've really been getting into this Chinese activity, and the people who play it down at The Bank have been nice enough to let a white beginner into their games. (If you don't know what The Bank is, find out here.) I'm also the only player under the age of 50, but like I said, they're hospitable.

Be sure to watch this sports promo I made in honour of Ti Jian. I narrated it as well, so hopefully you can really get a feel for my excitement. A quick side note on pronunciation: it looks like "tee jee-ann," but the Northeast accent has a habit of adding a pirate-y "ARRRR" sound on to words that end in -ian. So up here they say "tee jearr". I don't know why. But now you can sound real Northeastern.

I'm going to keep practicing my game, and hopefully one day I can be as good as the upper echelon of Ti Jian players: 60 year old women. Those girls can kick it! Enjoy.

The Bank

Tonight I'll tell you about The Bank.

Although I haven't travelled to enough places, I try to play basketball wherever I go. And in China, I think I've found my favorite court. It's a secret spot, but since you know me, I can probably get you in. The Bank is located under the rainbow bridge in the Wanda neighbourhood of Jilin, and it's one of the most perfect spots I've ever played at. The people are friendly, and very willing to let me join games, which is fantastic because I don't own a basketball. There are six full courts, so there's plenty of room if you just want to relax and shoot around, or you can join up and get into some pretty great action!

Check out this tiny video I made to express my love for The Bank.

Paint Blast from the Past

I went paintballing… last month.

I only did this once. 

Ok so it’s not the LATEST news but I’ll fill you in nonetheless. After years of thinking about paintballing and discussing paintballing and hearing about paintballing, I finally tried it out for myself. My only prior experience with this type of thing was buying an air soft gun, shooting it in the parking lot, and never again.

So we got fitted with old mechanic’s jumpsuits and masks, and they gave us our weapons and talked us through it. I was pretty excited after all that was over and we were ready to go inside, and when we got in there I took off running. But I quickly realized there weren’t many places to run. So instead, I hid behind a big wheel.

This worked great until I got shot like three times, and while I was checking myself to see if the paintballs actually broke on me (if they don’t you’re not out!), and while I was standing around checking my backside out, someone came up behind me and made it official. The lesson here is don’t check yourself out during paintball. Any other time is fine.

That close range shot directly to my bum kind of hurt, but other than that I didn’t find it very painful. Definitely not as painful as people made it out to be. I took a couple shots in the leg I could feel the next day, but they brought back fond memories while I climbed stairs. When it came to my offense, I was all about headshots. Nothing felt so great as hitting someone’s face from far away. Take that facemask! Now you have limited visibility!

We also played against some randoms that happened to be there, and they were blindfiring all over the place (that’s when you hide behind something and just stick your gun out shooting blindly like a milksop pantywaist). So for revenge, I snuck up behind a completely different person and shot him three times in the back instead of giving him the benefit of the mercy rule. He cried out like a cowering craven. That’ll show you.

So in the end, paintball is fun. I like the jumpsuits; they make me feel like I could change the oil in my car. I like the guns; they make me feel like I’m a mild action hero in a video game. I like shooting people in the face; that might not be a healthy feeling.

I'm one of these highly trained assassins coming to get you.

Rebel Without A Team: Love and Basketball Diaries of a Skinny Kid: The Andrew Parker Story

Tonight I tried out for the Red River College Rebels Men’s Basketball Team.

In some sort of twisted fantasy to test myself against a former version of me, I decided to go to the tryouts at RRC’s Notre Dame campus. Even if they offered me an intensely flattering starting position, I knew I wouldn’t have the time to play college basketball, but I really wanted to give it a try and evaluate my skills.

I haven’t played serious basketball since Grade 12, which (let’s be honest) was quite a while ago. So I was relieved that some abilities stick with you to an extent, although I felt pretty out of place coming in all skinny jeans and no muscles. There was way more people than I expected, so in spite of how I felt I looked, I knew standing out would be hard. Also, did you know that no one wears low-cut 6.0’s as basketball shoes? What a shock! Great shoes, but not a popular basketball model apparently.

See? Not playing basketball.

Did you see the kicks on #11? He's got nothing to prove!

So after the first half hour, things kicked off with straight games. 4 on 4, lots of action and one sub. I relaxed as things got going, and there were good and bad parts to my experience.

The worst was definitely getting my junk hit so hard I felt it necessary to go to the locker room to check for permanent damage (I think I’m fine, those things are resilient). Also, during the first few games, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Now I like going out and running a mile as much as the next kid, but I haven’t pushed it like that in a long time. I used to play whole games and hated getting subbed off, but now it looks like those days are behind me. I felt like I was suffering from pulmonary ventilonitis, which is a serious condition I made up at the time, in which your heart explodes into your trachea and murders you. Symptoms include tasting blood and wanting to pass out.

But in spite of that, I had fun. I made some buckets, blocks, and moves I was really proud of, some against guys bigger and stronger than me, and at the end I even wanted to keep going. Oh and the stronger thing? They made teams based on height, and I was the 4^th tallest guy there… so I was matched against some hefty dudes!

In the end, the Rebels and I decided to part ways in the first round of cuts. And by that I mean they said “Hey- you’re not at this level!” and I said “Yeah, good decision.” So it’s not meant to be, and I’m OK with that. I’m happy how things went and how I played. Yes I made some mistakes, but that’s part of this experience. At least I didn’t get dunked on, right? And I stayed conscious the ENTIRE time.

Good luck this season Rebels, there’ll be some nice guys on that team. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go remember better times while I take a bath and drink hot cocoa out of a water bottle.

Grade 12 Provincial Champs! I'm the precocious one on the right.

Pierce, Palardy… Parker?

Tonight I was up in the press box.

You need a press pass for that- I'm excited about mine!

A couple of weeks ago The Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ preseason started, and with it my season as the writer for bluebombers.com began as well. With tonight being the first home game, it was my first chance to get up in the press box and try to fit in with all the real journalists. And I didn’t know who any of them were! (Apart from a few CreComm grads- those guys are everywhere.)

So if you aren’t keeping up with the Bombers by reading articles both previewing and recapping each game, first of all I’m surprised and disappointed in you. Second, you should start. You may have noticed that I’ve been blogging less and less these days, and reading these articles may be the perfect antidote to your throes of withdrawal. Who knows, if you read them very carefully, maybe I’ll spell out your name with the first letter of each line or something. Hmm?

You can check out my article documenting the ups and downs of tonight’s game here, and there’s links to my other articles very close by. The Bombers have given me a little “Written by Andrew Parker” list so just get in there and explore! 

Here's another example.

Cage fighting comes to Winnipeg.

Yesterday I went to a cage fighting event.

Cage Fighting Manitoba, Winnipeg’s newest MMA organization put on their first event, CFM 1, on Friday January 7 at the Winnipeg Convention Centre. Although I’ve been a fan of MMA for a few years now, it was my first time at a live event, so it was really interesting to see how it all goes down.

I attended the event with fellow MMA fan Dave Hollier, and we watched in shock as all nine fights ended by the second round! The night was nonstop submissions (2 guillotines, 2 triangles, and an arm bar) with a few TKO’s thrown in. This may have meant there were some mismatched battles, but it definitely made for exciting action!

The night began with a very strange match though, with Jessie Seberg falling down and verbally quitting after only 17 seconds and receiving four leg kicks from Alberta’s Daryle Pinter. Afterwards, everyone reacted very slowly: the fighters’ corners stayed out of the ring as the crowd softly booed in disappointment. Thankfully things picked up from there however…

1 of 4 leg kicks that ended the fight. Photo by JB Photography, taken from TopMMAnews.com

The crowd of over 500 was pretty relaxed until Winnipeg-based fighters made appearances, receiving such huge support from friends and fans that they seemed as recognizable as GSP. Lucky for these fans, four out of five Winnipeg fighters came out with the win. This included an impressive second round knockout by wild striker Gary Espinar with a hook that sent Saskatoon’s Micheal Glover’s mouthpiece flying. Also a notable hometown victory was Cory Houston’s TKO over Ontario’s Mike O’Neil, achieved after Houston took full mount position and rained down punches until the referee stepped in.

Espinar about to throw his knockout punch. Photo by JB Photography, taken from TopMMAnews.com

Click to see all the results.

Dear Garth, You can hear the Crickets…

Today I watched a cricket match.

       In response to Garth Hilderman’s challenge  to watch an entire cricket game this week, I stepped up to the wicket and swung for greatness by becoming a cricket expert for a day. (UPDATE: check out his challenge and get the backstory here.) Apparently to Garth, if you’re going to steal the credit for one of his cricket stories in the school paper, you have to know something about the sport. … Of all the nerve.

First of all, I’m not a big sports watcher. I like sports, but for the most part I’d rather be playing than watching. Other than the odd Bomber game, the only time I sit down to watch a 3-hour sporting event is for UFC every month.

        So you can imagine my chagrin when I found out that the game I would be watching was 3 hours and 42 minutes (I didn’t even know YouTube hosted videos that big!). But thanks to my blog research on Garth’s Tuesday Tutor section (here), I found out that some games can last days. Garth, thank you for your mercy in assigning me one lasting less than 4 hours.

        Alright, now to the good stuff: my thoughts on cricket as a whole sport, based solely on Garth’s blog and watching one game, the Kings XI Punjab VS the favourites, Mumbai Indians, in the Indian Premier League. I think that’s fair.

Got 3.5 hours to watch a cricket game?

      1. Cricket is detailed.

They don’t really have a lot going on, so they get REALLY in depth. Interviewing the captains after the opening coin toss: “You lost the coin toss, how do you feel about that?” I’m talking line charts of run and hit rates, and bringing hot actresses into the dugout to spice things up.

              2.  The uniforms are ridiculous.

Long time fans of me will know that I’m outspoken against sports that people play wearing pants. Baseball? Lame; there’s just as much standing around as there is playing. Golf? Walking around isn’t a sport. (Oh and if you’re wearing tights to hold your pads on to avoid serious injury, that’s a sport. Keep up the good work, football.) Cricket is no exception as one of these quasi-sports; there’s rarely any desperation or effort for longer than 3 seconds at a time, and it shows in their uniforms. What makes matters worse, all the batters are suited up like they're about to try getting a wild animal out of their attic. 

 

see 
the 
resemblance? 









Wide bats, big helmets, oversized shin guards and gloves- it looks like an outfit they threw together with sports equipment they found in their grandparents’ basement. Side note: the referees wear cowboy hats, which just brings the garage sale feeling to a new high.

      3. It’s actually nothing like baseball.

This is a misconception I had that was quickly proved wrong. The bowler (like a pitcher) runs as much as the batsman (batter) does, and if you hit a ball and don’t feel like it, you don’t have to run at all. This play-it-safe option puts an even weaker spin on baseball. Also, each team only got once chance at bat… and the first team finished their turn 146 points ahead.

      All in all, let’s just say the jump from UFC to cricket was a big step down in the excitement department (no one even got knocked out, even though they’re carrying bats the whole time!). I wouldn’t watch it again, nor would I recommend watching. Oh and just so the hardcore fans know, no it wasn’t because I didn’t understand it. I knew exactly what was going on, and it wasn’t much.

PS. Spoiler Alert: The Kings XI Punjab came back to win it! Although cricket counts down exactly how many runs they need to win, so you could see the comeback coming for 20 minutes. Less exciting. But boy the actress in the dugout was happy!

Bombers impress in OT

Today I watched the Bombers win in overtime.

      Another nail in leaving-the-game-early-to-beat-the-traffic’s coffin, today the Blue Bombers rallied a huge comeback to beat the BC Lions in overtime. I had never been at a game that went into overtime before, and this was intense. The crowd was on their feet, cheering like crazy. After Winnipeg made a quarterback change, putting in Jyles to satisfy the crowd’s chanting, the Bombers made huge plays to come back and tie the game, with touchdown passes to both Edwards and Carr.

      An incredible game with an amazing finish; Beasley intercepted and ran back for a touchdown to seal the deal. Oh, and this game also had the best fight I’ve ever seen in a football game. The complete package!

Edwards make the catch! Photo: Canadian Press

Read the CFL's coverage of Jyles' revival here.