Paint Blast from the Past

I went paintballing… last month.

I only did this once. 

Ok so it’s not the LATEST news but I’ll fill you in nonetheless. After years of thinking about paintballing and discussing paintballing and hearing about paintballing, I finally tried it out for myself. My only prior experience with this type of thing was buying an air soft gun, shooting it in the parking lot, and never again.

So we got fitted with old mechanic’s jumpsuits and masks, and they gave us our weapons and talked us through it. I was pretty excited after all that was over and we were ready to go inside, and when we got in there I took off running. But I quickly realized there weren’t many places to run. So instead, I hid behind a big wheel.

This worked great until I got shot like three times, and while I was checking myself to see if the paintballs actually broke on me (if they don’t you’re not out!), and while I was standing around checking my backside out, someone came up behind me and made it official. The lesson here is don’t check yourself out during paintball. Any other time is fine.

That close range shot directly to my bum kind of hurt, but other than that I didn’t find it very painful. Definitely not as painful as people made it out to be. I took a couple shots in the leg I could feel the next day, but they brought back fond memories while I climbed stairs. When it came to my offense, I was all about headshots. Nothing felt so great as hitting someone’s face from far away. Take that facemask! Now you have limited visibility!

We also played against some randoms that happened to be there, and they were blindfiring all over the place (that’s when you hide behind something and just stick your gun out shooting blindly like a milksop pantywaist). So for revenge, I snuck up behind a completely different person and shot him three times in the back instead of giving him the benefit of the mercy rule. He cried out like a cowering craven. That’ll show you.

So in the end, paintball is fun. I like the jumpsuits; they make me feel like I could change the oil in my car. I like the guns; they make me feel like I’m a mild action hero in a video game. I like shooting people in the face; that might not be a healthy feeling.

I'm one of these highly trained assassins coming to get you.

Dewey goes Spelunking

Last night I went to The Cavern.

My gosh it’s been forever since I clicked that ‘New Post’ button, and isn’t it great that I finally have something to talk about. Last night and into this morning, I was at The Cavern for Quagmire, The Pink Slips, and The Afterlife Super Punk Rock Show.

Oh, and I was there with one of these poster models.

CreComm Media Pro and half of Parkolson Productions, Matt Nicholson, put on this deal, along with War On Music as part of Matt’s IPP. In addition to giving everyone a great time, Matt also inspired rampant IPP-envy. His project, which involves putting on two other shows after this one, is definitely some of the most enjoyable schoolwork I’ve ever been a part of.

A couple of notes on The Cavern too, I had never been there before and loved it. Everyone was having fun, and it’s nice to see people repping their punk styles and clothes that make mine seem boring. Sure there was a mad scientist and a giant who I’m pretty sure was Thor’s older brother, but I’m always excited to see how nice these people are, especially those that may look scary to some. I’m definitely looking forward to more shows at this venue.

Speaking of more shows, Matt’s next one is coming up next month and will feature the talents of The Xanad00ds, The Thrashers, and one more I think. I don’t know, ask Matt! I can’t do everything for you.

"Matty at the Show" by Allison Marinelli

But anyways: more shows at the Cavern, and more War on Music shows, I’m happy. Oh and on a personal note: if the girl with the tattoos and tank top is reading this, I have a crush on you. Leave me a comment so we can get this started.

Rebel Without A Team: Love and Basketball Diaries of a Skinny Kid: The Andrew Parker Story

Tonight I tried out for the Red River College Rebels Men’s Basketball Team.

In some sort of twisted fantasy to test myself against a former version of me, I decided to go to the tryouts at RRC’s Notre Dame campus. Even if they offered me an intensely flattering starting position, I knew I wouldn’t have the time to play college basketball, but I really wanted to give it a try and evaluate my skills.

I haven’t played serious basketball since Grade 12, which (let’s be honest) was quite a while ago. So I was relieved that some abilities stick with you to an extent, although I felt pretty out of place coming in all skinny jeans and no muscles. There was way more people than I expected, so in spite of how I felt I looked, I knew standing out would be hard. Also, did you know that no one wears low-cut 6.0’s as basketball shoes? What a shock! Great shoes, but not a popular basketball model apparently.

See? Not playing basketball.

Did you see the kicks on #11? He's got nothing to prove!

So after the first half hour, things kicked off with straight games. 4 on 4, lots of action and one sub. I relaxed as things got going, and there were good and bad parts to my experience.

The worst was definitely getting my junk hit so hard I felt it necessary to go to the locker room to check for permanent damage (I think I’m fine, those things are resilient). Also, during the first few games, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Now I like going out and running a mile as much as the next kid, but I haven’t pushed it like that in a long time. I used to play whole games and hated getting subbed off, but now it looks like those days are behind me. I felt like I was suffering from pulmonary ventilonitis, which is a serious condition I made up at the time, in which your heart explodes into your trachea and murders you. Symptoms include tasting blood and wanting to pass out.

But in spite of that, I had fun. I made some buckets, blocks, and moves I was really proud of, some against guys bigger and stronger than me, and at the end I even wanted to keep going. Oh and the stronger thing? They made teams based on height, and I was the 4^th tallest guy there… so I was matched against some hefty dudes!

In the end, the Rebels and I decided to part ways in the first round of cuts. And by that I mean they said “Hey- you’re not at this level!” and I said “Yeah, good decision.” So it’s not meant to be, and I’m OK with that. I’m happy how things went and how I played. Yes I made some mistakes, but that’s part of this experience. At least I didn’t get dunked on, right? And I stayed conscious the ENTIRE time.

Good luck this season Rebels, there’ll be some nice guys on that team. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go remember better times while I take a bath and drink hot cocoa out of a water bottle.

Grade 12 Provincial Champs! I'm the precocious one on the right.

Quiz: Are You Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Last week I created a Twilight quiz.

I'm working for Frontier College this summer, running literacy day camps for kids. In one of our camps we made a magazine with the kids, and somehow it ended up being mostly about Twilight, Harry Potter, and Justin Bieber. So to do my part, I contributed a quiz designed to help confused Twilight fans decide whether they belong to Team Jacob or Team Edward. 

I have to admit that the only research I've done is watching the first movie when it came out, and that was only because I thought it was about awesome vampires, not teen vampires in love. But so far the success of this quiz has been outstanding! So try it and find out for yourself... this been taken right out of our magazine. All I did was remove the brilliantly coloured paper and beautiful variety of magic markers.

Team Edward VS Team Jacob

VS.

Pick your answer and add up the number of points for it. Look out, there's negative numbers too. 

#1- What’s your favourite ice cream flavour?

a) Vanilla                                                                 … 10 points

b) Double Fudge Rocky Road                                … 5 points

c) I’m not sure                                                         … 0 points

d) fat-free yogurt for me!                                         … - 5 points

#2- What’s your ideal date?

a) Staring deep into each other’s eyes                      … 8

b) Playing one-on-one basketball                             … 4

c) Guitar Lessons                                                     … 1

d) a long walk on a sunny beach                              … - 6

#3- What’s the best kind of dog?

a) Mexican Hairless                                                  … 6

b) Poodle                                                                  … 2

c) Dog? I’m more of a cat person                            … - 8

d) a shaggy mutt                                                       … 9

#4- You just finished writing your first romance novel. What will you call it?

a) Endless Torment                                                 … 13

b) Torn Between Two Worlds                                  … 0

c) Creatures From Outer Space                               … -12

d) The Windswept Stranger                                     … 5

#5- What’s your first choice of jewelry?

a) a dazzling diamond                                              … 8

b) thick gold chains                                                  … 4

c) any kind of spinning necklace like John Cena      … - 8

d) a piece of knotted string                                       … - 4

#6- What’s the best part of the night sky?

a) The dark, bleak clouds                                          … 1

b) The full moon                                                       … 5

c) The twinkling stars                                                … 14

d) I don’t like it when the sun is away!                      … - 6

#7- The time is right and the moon is full. Ooo yeah. What’s your go-to move?

a) Play with my hair nervously                                  … 2

b) Howl and get crazy                                               … 6

c) slink silently into the night                                     … 11

d) play video games                                                  … - 9

Add up your grand total to find your grand result!

TOTALS

40 points or more= Edward.

Shhh… don’t speak. You choose the brooding vampire that can never fully love you back. Sorry, no refunds.

20-40 points= Jacob.

Looks great topless but he secretly wants to eat you alive whenever there’s a full moon. Hey, every relationship has its problems.

0-19 points= Bella.

Aww… it’s so hard to choose- and you can’t! Just keep playing with your hair and both their hearts. Worst case scenario is you’re caught in the middle of a vampire-werewolf war…

Less than 0 points= Fake.

You call yourself a Twilight fan? I don’t think you’re really right for the part. Better luck next time. 

So... what'd you get?

Pierce, Palardy… Parker?

Tonight I was up in the press box.

You need a press pass for that- I'm excited about mine!

A couple of weeks ago The Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ preseason started, and with it my season as the writer for bluebombers.com began as well. With tonight being the first home game, it was my first chance to get up in the press box and try to fit in with all the real journalists. And I didn’t know who any of them were! (Apart from a few CreComm grads- those guys are everywhere.)

So if you aren’t keeping up with the Bombers by reading articles both previewing and recapping each game, first of all I’m surprised and disappointed in you. Second, you should start. You may have noticed that I’ve been blogging less and less these days, and reading these articles may be the perfect antidote to your throes of withdrawal. Who knows, if you read them very carefully, maybe I’ll spell out your name with the first letter of each line or something. Hmm?

You can check out my article documenting the ups and downs of tonight’s game here, and there’s links to my other articles very close by. The Bombers have given me a little “Written by Andrew Parker” list so just get in there and explore! 

Here's another example.

Dabbling in Art...

Today I tried out being an artist.

First off let me say that I’m very worried about blogging now. Since I stopped when the semester ended, taking a little summer break, my blog’s hits have been better than ever. Ooo maybe it was because my blog was nominated for a Creative Communications Media Award, but doubtful. Either way it seems the best thing I could do for my blog was to stop writing. But just in case anyone is bored for something to read and a tranquil picture to look at, here you go. It’s not like I have a job or anything, it’s the least I can do.

Under the direction of my art teacher Chui Choy, I tried out painting for the first time. Art is hard! There's a lot of things and words that I've heard of before but it's really difficult to actually put them into practice unless of course you've got some kind of natural talent. Sadly, I don't think it's in me. Brushstrokes, blending, those kind of things, I was pretty scared the whole time.

But I steadied my brush hand almost long enough to turn out this little bit of landscape action. Future artist? Doubtful. Future decorator for motel rooms that cost less than $50 a night? I have a shot! Couldn’t you picture looking up at this picture while questioning the cleanliness of your bedspread?

This room is so cheap it doesn't even come with a bedspread. 

So keep in mind that this was a first try. But realistically the starting price is $40. And that’s mostly to cover supplies. 

I think it's a tiny bit better in person.

Suit up!

This week I went suit shopping all alone.

I’m one of those boys that actually likes shopping. I’ll spend hours in the mall. When I go on a trip, I ask about the shopping possibilities at the destination. But even with all this, I love that deep down, every boy has the ability to do any amount of shopping in the least time possible.

 With this in mind, I went suit shopping 4 days before end-of-the-year-school-functions kicked off. I went on Sunday, half an hour before the mall closed, and it turns out that’s the ideal time to shop. The salesperson was able to give me all kinds of attention, and together we worked out a banging outfit that makes me look fancy, which is a rare look for me. It’s like Halley’s Comet really: it only comes around everyone once in awhile, and you don’t want to get caught looking at it but you just can’t resist.

I desperately needed some new threads since my grad suit fits like pajamas for some reason (the guys at old-school Jack Fraser don’t know that baggy suits haven’t been cool since before they had dentures). Observe:

'99? That's being generous.