Friday, October 23, 2015

Crappy Real Estate Photography

Check out my latest Chinese apartment!
My room! And the most made my bed will ever be!

I moved in over a month ago, so it's high time I showed everyone around. This place definitely has charm, but it also has plenty of weird features that can't be explained. Too many features that no one has ever asked for.

Let's start with the basics: 2 bedrooms (although one bedroom is 2 rooms), 1 bathroom, 1 study that I converted into a yoga studio by keeping it empty), 1 kitchen, 1 living room. There's a washing machine on the balcony, and plenty of pole to hang drying clothes from out there. Closet space galore; this whole apartment is covered in cupboards. The kitchen came with a stove (1 working element) and fridge, and I bought a little oven as well. 
Big enough for a Thanksgiving duck
Now for the interesting stuff. First, the bathroom. Take a look!

Did you see it? Look again. In case you didn't notice it, I've highlighted it for you in this next identical picture. 

A urinal! Yes every guy thinks he wants a urinal until he has to clean a barely functioning urinal all the time. This immediately made my "Do Not Pee In" list. Next up, the shower.

I feel bad using the word shower, because it's so much more than that! It's really more of an experience. CD player, in-shower speakers, rainfall faucet, interior water jets... AND NONE OF IT WORKS. The doors slide closed to create an airtight chamber, so what I'm left with is a shower too short to stand up in, and too narrow to turn around in comfortably. There is a small seat in there as well, which has actually come in quite handy and made weeping alone a lot more relaxing. Yes sir this is really where all the magic happens, and by that I mean David Blaine once spent 50 moonless nights locked inside underwater. 

Next, the lighting. Tired of boring overhead lights at your entrance which conveniently allow you to see everything as soon as you come in the door? I thought so. How about lighting up your shoes instead? Not good enough you say? I'll throw in a glass floor panel with fake grass underneath! IT'S LIKE YOU'RE STILL OUTSIDE! Walking Christmas lights, trophy case lights, palm tree sconces... if you want inadequate, fancy lighting, you'd feel right at home squinting your way around here!
Come on in!
Overall, I'm a fan of this apartment. Spacious, nice views, river adjacent, and a nice quiet community. The cockroaches are only winning 3-2 (3 sightings, only 2 killings), and the previous tenants left me with a lot of useful stuff. I'm really starting to feel settled and at home here. Maybe one day I'll figure out my address! 


  1. Wow- it's a ton bigger than I imagined!! You have such a hilarious way of describing things, Drew!! Well- written!!��


Don't censor yourself baby! Lay it on me.